Grumpy Old Bitch in Bombay

Last night I had dinner at Peshawari restaurant with friends who were leaving that night to move back to Norway. Over some Kingfisher draft we discussed their move and the sadness that comes along with it. My friend had said she had been depressed and crying off and on for the past week  as had her children  especially her eldest teenage daughter. These conversations are common among expats who regularly move from one country to the next and just as quickly make and leave friends. This often leaves me to reflect not only on my own moves and friendships but also on the long term effects of that kind of lifestyle.

On Friday when I picked up my children on the last day of school they too were crying. I immediately asked them what had happened or were they hurt when they replied, “Our friends are leaving!” Now in hindsight I guess I should have prepared for this however up until this point they barely batted an eye when leaving a country. When we left Canada for China they were too young to realize what was happening, and when we left China they were leaving their friends and not the other way around. Now that they are old enough to have really strong relationships they can fully comprehend and feel the loss.

Ironically, I find myself in the opposite situation. When I first left Canada I was very upset. The night before we flew out from Calgary, we had dinner at good friends and when we had to leave I was balling my eyes out. Not a pretty sight (picture running mascara) and totally out of character but nonetheless. When leaving China, I definitely left some very good friends and there were a few tears but not nearly as traumatizing as the first move.  This year I have been to many leaving events and said goodbye to many friends but I am not feeling the same loss or sadness. This, of course, has made me think hard about the why, as I am sure you can imagine.

I was having this discussion with a friend of mine over coffee who was feeling the same way.  We discussed why we thought we did not feel so much sadness and we came up with 2 answers. The first and probably the easiest explanation is that we are just grumpy old bitches who don’t care. This explanation requires little reflection or soul searching-much easier. The second, however, is probably more realistic. The feeling of loss is not as strong because the connection with friends is not as strong-on purpose. I think naturally, and I know this is very true for me, in attempts to protect yourself from the pain of leaving friends and family, you just don’t get too close to anyone. Almost all of my friends stay very near the surface so when they are torn away, they don’t rip off too much skin. The scars are minimal and recovery is quick. It sounds very sensible indeed but it makes me worry about the long term. Will I become this unfeeling robot, with no real friends and a few extra names on my Facebook? Or will I fight against nature and focus on building tighter relationships or better yet… do I just write about my experiences and build a better relationship with my laptop? Hmmm….